In the Shadows of Darkness
by Cielito
Summary: She wasn't sure if that comment was to bait her, but it certainly surprised her. Teyla POV John/Teyla, Teyla/Kanaan


**Category**: Fic  
><strong>Title<strong>: In The Shadows of Darkness  
><strong>Author<strong>: me  
><strong>Rating<strong>:PG-13  
><strong>Warnings<strong>: Suspense  
><strong>Disclaimer<strong>: The characters, etc, of SGA don't belong to us. For fun, not profit.  
><strong>Size<strong>: 3, 167 words  
><strong>Pairing<strong>: Teyla/Kanaan, Teyla/John  
><strong>Comments<strong>: This is really coincides with my other stories, **Edge of Darkness** and **Confessions of an Athosian Mother**.  
>This is really a long fic but I'm stuck in the last chapter, hence I haven't posted it all, but these stand as one shots on their own. So, you don't have to read the other two, but if you want some background, you should. The order should be, Edge of Darkness is really the Prologue, and then there are a couple of chapters in between, then Confessions of an Athosian Mother and In the Shadows of Darkness would follow a couple of chapters after it. Again, this stand as a one-shot on its own. When I finish it, if I ever do, I'll post it all together. :P<br>For now, this goes to **foxyinthecity** because it's her birthday, because she loves Teyla and because she loves me and John and Teyla! :P LOVE YOU GIRLIE...happy birthday.  
>All error are mine. :(<p>

**Summary**: She wasn't sure if that comment was to bait her, but it certainly surprised her.

**In the Shadows of Darkness**

She was supposed to be looking for Hammon. Yet, standing on the shore, the water stretching as far as you can see to the horizon, Teyla could not help marveled at its beauty. The blending of colors with the light and the sky, from green to blue to gray was a spectacle all on its own. From a distance, she couldn't tell where the ocean ended and the sky began. Ripples and waves continuously flow toward her, eventually breaking into foam, creeping up to her feet, and sliding back to its origin. The ocean, a sound like water surging and retreating, like an upside down waterfall with no where else to go. The smell of saltwater in the air, a scent like no other. Surprisingly, there were no seagulls circling or crying out in the sky, but then again, every world is different and this one certainly stood apart from any other that she's ever seen.

She remembered the first time her father took her to see the ocean. It was wet, it was large, and it fascinated her. At first, she was a little scared of where those waves were going, moving forward and not knowing where it would stop. It was as if she was seeing a reflection of the sky above, a beautiful array of colors and the many mysteries it holds. A huge bath full of wondrous creatures to play with; a blue expanse of water never ending. Where the sky and sea kiss in the horizon.

The whooshing sounds of the waves mixed with the joy of laughter from her son filled her senses and warmed her heart. This wasn't Torren's first time seeing the ocean's waters from his innocently curious eyes, but she wanted to capture every expression, every word that escape his lips and burn it clear and permanently in her mind. She smiled as his tiny little feet buried deep, scratching lightly by the sand. The inviting sounds of the waves soothed her soul as she briefly thought of her people and the many joys of laughter spent on the ocean just as she was enjoying Torren on this day.

She had planned to spend the day with Torren and John. But it wasn't meant to be. She had caught up with him earlier in the morning but he had to postpone their time together because he had other mandated meetings to attend. Instead, Ronon had invited her to come along to the planet's surface where he promised Torren would enjoy his day at the beach. She had heard some of the team members express their love for the beach and how wonderful it was to have a place similar to home. But so many things had happened since they got back from Earth that she hadn't had the time until now to actually enjoy any free time with her son and she wanted this day to be truly special. So, she had gone back to her quarters, changed her clothes and Torren's and headed back to the control room where she met up with Ronon and together, they headed to the Jumper bay.

She had heard that Rodney and a team of scientist were also in that planet searching for an energy signal. She could already imagine the sparkle in Rodney's eyes filling his scientific curiosity. She would certainly enjoy seeing him again since it had been quite some time since she had spent any free time with her friends without it turning into a complete disaster and a life and death situation.

Still, her heart aches because she so longed to spend time with John. For some reason, it felt right to get back to their relationship before-before her pregnancy, before Kanaan. She hated to think that either had any cause for their sudden distance, but she knew better. John felt betrayed and she felt that a part of her lied and cheated on him even though in reality, she'd done neither. John held a special place in her life. She cherished their time together and she wanted this time with him to be special, to try and reconnect with him like they use to be before. Before all of this.

They'd lost something along the way. What that was she wasn't sure and she really didn't want to dwell on it too much. Not only because of the pain it caused her, but also because it was simply something she wasn't willing to express or even admit; not yet. But ever since Kanaan and her were officially no longer together, she thought this might be an opportunity to gain back something of what had been lost between them. And since he had offered to spend the day together, she had only been too happy to agree. Now, she didn't know when they would get another chance to be alone-together with Torren.

Living in Atlantis had its many advantages, but also just as many disadvantages. There off time were a few hours here and there. Nothing steady and nothing consistent. Yet, she wasn't complaining. Atlantis was now her home and she couldn't think of any other place where she'd rather be or with whom she'd rather live. As much as she loved her people, she never felt a part of them, always different, always aside and apart from the rest. Which is why she was so close to Kanaan. He understood her for they were so much alike. They were so in-tune with one another that she never thought she'd meet any other that could ever take Kanaan's place. And she never did find anyone else. Kanaan was a friend, her best friend. The one who could read her thoughts with a simple glance. The one who always had the right words, the right touch, the right gesture that would calm her doubts and fears. The one her people believe would be her lifetime bonding mate.

But Teyla always knew better.

Kanaan was many things to her, but her lover? No, that was never on her mind. Even during her childhood she knew that her heart would belong to no Athosian. Still, the threads of time have a way with things and as death struck her from all around, she found herself embraced one night in the arms of the man, that up until that moment was just a friend. A friend that in a moment of weakness and passion became the next best thing. Teyla never saw Kanaan as a substitute for the one whom she really desired. Yet, he was a comfort nonetheless. Kanaan offered what the other never did and in those intimate moments with him he did things that, for a moment, shun all her pain away.

How could she ever regret her time with Kanaan when as a result, the most precious being in her life was born. Torren is her living proof of that happiness that she shared with Kanaan. From the minute she accepted his existence, Torren became her life and joy; a gift to her from the Ancestors, a part of her and Kanaan. Her most precious and treasured gift. And she would do anything to keep him safe, happy and alive.

Atlantis brought her hope once, in the form of John Sheppard. And now that hope burned within her once again in Torren. For Torren, she would live with the man that could only have her body, but never her heart and soul. For him, she would give up her own life and her own desires. For she was never blinded; she knew all too well that Kanaan was never her desire.

Nevertheless, all her life Teyla was dedicated to serve and protect others before herself. Perhaps, that's one thing that she admires the most about John Sheppard; his unnatural ability to protect those that he loves the most with his own life without question, without hesitation. And where Kanaan ends, John Sheppard only begins.

Kanaan is not a fighter, but a farmer. Kanaan belongs with his people, the Athosians, working and living among them is his ultimate life's aspiration. Yet, John Sheppard never belonged in his home world. He was best here, in an unknown galaxy, a place he now calls home. Where Kanaan questions everything, John Sheppard leaps first and asks questions later.

John Sheppard.

She wanted to know the man behind the mask and many times he allowed her to do just that, but he was certainly a complicated man; so unlike Kanaan.

Now, things are different. Their relationship so distance and yet, something about the way John looked at her, the way he protected her, astounded her. It gave her hope. When he finally accepted her pregnancy, accepted Torren as a part of her, it was as if her world had changed once again in the form of John Sheppard. And to think that she lost any hope of ever knowing so much more of him, the way she's always wanted him and the thought never failed to bring tears to her eyes.

"Teyla, is everything alright?" Kanaan's voice startled her for a minute, as a breeze lifted her hair. When she glanced at him, she found him studying her face, his mouth quirked with a half smile, but his eyes somber.

These were the moments she treasured and despised at the same time. They were moments of reflection that troubled her soul. Standing across the vast ocean, the laughter of her pride and joy soothing her ears, she realized that Kanaan wanted something she simply couldn't give him. He wanted her completely, unconditionally, and whole. And she would give anything to give him that. For he was a good man, a good father, a good comforter and lover. But her heart betrayed her mind and there was nothing she could do to change that.

"I am fine, Kanaan. Are you enjoying yourself?" She notices the wider smile on his face and all because he caught her attention.

"Spending time with you and Torren is always enjoyable, Teyla." He paused for a minute. Things changed between them as well and a part of her regretted this distance. "Remember that first time we went to Ergos with your father and Hammon?" Kanaan added.

"Yes," Teyla smiled knowingly, "I do miss those times dearly. Our parents tried so hard to make us live a normal childhood, away from the fear of the Wraith. Yet, we knew an attack could occur at any moment."

She continued to walk along the beach's shore, gazing up at the sky as she once used to do when she was a child. Hearing, searching for any signs of Wraith nearby, enough to warn her people, enough to save but a few lives.

"But now, we can be thankful that our son does not have that constant fear lurking in his mind at such a tender age as we lived." She said more for herself than for Kanaan to hear.

"Children will always have fears, Teyla. Perhaps not of Wraith, but it is a part that makes us who and what we are. I still think of how terrified I was when that Annaka beast attacked me in my sleep."

Laughter erupted from both simultaneously.

"You were afraid of everything Kanaan. It was in your nature to simply tremble at anything." Teyla added with a tease.

"And yet, I always had you by my side to protect me." His voice changed to a more serious and melancholy tone.

Teyla felt his gaze on her skin. His desire for her so evident. At times, she wanted nothing more than to welcome him back to her bed but that wouldn't change the feelings of her heart.

"As years went by, you learned to protect yourself. And if I remember correctly, there was that time when you bravely fought an Annaka beast. You surprised me when you showed such courage and strength." She could vividly remember the day since the entire village had celebrated Torren's bravery with a feast.

"Yes, and I also remember you would not grant me a kiss, not even while I laid unconscious for an entire fortnight with a high fever." Teyla was certain now that his tone was not just a tease. There was much feeling behind his words. "Mother never forgave you for that. She always told me you were not the right one for me."

She wasn't sure if that comment was to bait her, but it certainly surprised her. Teyla always thought of Malik as one of her most favored Athosians. And this new revelation disturbed her and suddenly she felt tightness in her chest. "I was not aware Malik had such strong feelings against our friendship. She was always so kind to me."

"Everyone is always kind to you, Teyla. You were destined before birth to lead our people."

The tightness in her chest grew stronger, the words hitting too close to her heart. "Yes, however..." She paused, clearly distraught at his words. Kanaan never expressed any words towards her that would cause her turmoil. This she knew and she questioned why the sudden change in him. "Why are you voicing this to me now when I can do nothing to change it? You should have told me!"

"And what would you have done? There was no importance to her words. She was a wise woman that wanted only the best for me. After all, I was her only son."

"I have always been honest with you, Kanaan. I never asked to be leader, and yet I have given my life for each and every one of you." It pained her to hear his words. She'd rather be fighting an armada of Wraith than to hear that one of her own would despise her.

"And we want you in our lives, but that is not enough for you." He kept walking, and talking as if this should not come as a surprise to her and it only fueled Teyla's emotions even further.

She could feel her jaw drop at his blatant words. Kanaan was always very precise with her, but even this conversation was having a different turn. One that confused her greatly, but that touch every nerve of her being. Like a Wraith's fingers puncturing her flesh, draining her life, her soul, her deepest fears.

"My people are everything to me. Our son is the breath of my life. How long have you felt this way, Kanaan? Do you speak for the others, or is this about us?"

She was aware that she had hurt him. Her honesty brought no joy to Kanaan and Teyla knew it. It was never her intention to cause him pain, and she truly believe that she could learn to love him. Yet, what he wanted from her was simply impossible.

"There was never anything between us, Teyla. At least not the way I have always yearned for us. You were destined for greater things. I am but just a simple farmer." His eyes turned and met hers. He knew what his words were doing to her, but she was certain that he was not going to stop there.

Teyla was speechless, motionless, but she could hear him clearly as he continued with his stinging words.

"Charin constantly voiced it to you and to the rest of us. I was simply too blinded by my love for you to ever want to admit that you could ever belong to me." He paused briefly, and then almost whispered, "Your heart has always belonged to another." His words carried a mix of sorrow, tinged with jealousy and dare she say, a hint of rage.

"Kanaan!" There was just a hint of fury in her words.

But before she could think of her next words, a sound came tumbling behind them-a frail whimper barely audible above the ocean waves. Exchanging glances, they headed wordlessly toward the source. Slowly, the sound became sharper and soon she recognize Torren's loud cry.

"Torren!" She yelled frantically running towards her son's cry. Her thumping pulse was the only sound she heard, but the pungent odor coming from the woods, perpetual dampness, ancient stone, and soil filled her nostrils.

They were so caught up in their conversation that she lost sight of her son. Quickly, Kanaan called out his name and scanned for footprints heading towards the woods. Teyla ran faster passing Kanaan, reaching her child's form.

She found Torren wet and disheveled, crying out loud in terror. She swept him up in her arms and with her concerned eyes scanned his every body. Once satisfied that he was unharmed she cradled him in her arms whispering words of love to soothe his cries.

"What has troubled you, Torren?" She kissed his forehead and wiped his tears, wrapping her arms tightly around him, shielding him with her body and warmth.

"Teyla!" Kanaan cried out. He had trudged ahead of her and Torren at a brisk pace, with much more defiance than she had ever seen from him. Kanaan handled everything with such ease and calmness that he was truly surprising her today. Suddenly, he disappeared from her vision behind a large tree filled with yellow flowers coiled in the branches of the tree.

Terrified, she walked deeper into the forest and soon spotted Kanaan leaning over a body. She arrived slightly winded but she paid no importance to it thinking more of who was on the ground next to Kanaan.

Kanaan tilted his head, "You should call Major Lorne, Teyla." His voice sounded just like it had the day he spotted the Annaka beast so many years ago. "I have found Hammon."

And for the first time in a long time, Teyla silently prayed to the Ancestors for safe harbor for her son, Kanaan and herself. But in her mind's eyes there was also the presence of another, a longing-a pleading for the Ancestors to intervene. For deep within her heart, there was never a doubt that she desires, and not just for today, but for the rest of her life. And there is no other she wishes by her side more so than him when danger and fear creeps all around her. Even in the laughter and horror of her dreams, it is only that same _one _whom she calls upon to keep her safe, secured, protected and loved.

It was never Kanaan.

Kanaan is not the one who lurks in her night's dreams. He's not the one whom she silently hungers in the emptiness of her bed. From the moment she first laid eyes on him on that cold dark night in Athos, her heart knew what she almost surrendered in Kanan's arms. But her heart cannot betray what her body succumbed.

And now, in the shadows of darkness, fear and death, she prays to an unknown God to bring him to her; the _one_. For there is no other but John Sheppard whom she yearns to stand always by her side.

Comments are loved.


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